{waiting to exhale}

No photos....tonight.

I can't sleep. There are too many things rolling through my head. The mind is a curious thing. I have trouble shutting mine down when it comes to "down" time. I've tried green tea...wine...excessive exercise...Tylenol PM...(not all in the same night, mind you)....I've tried reading, praying, journal-ing..... yet my mind sputters on too no avail. It mimics me...mocks me...reminds me...urges me...cheers me on...and sometimes it even tricks me.

This particular night I'm feeling:
antsy.
inspired.
hyper.
restless.
guilty.
foggy.
needy.

how one earth can I feel all these things in a single deep breathe in.....

but then as I exhale....

I feel:
relaxed.
focused.
energized.
refreshed.
justified.
clarified.
empowered.

But as I inhale again the process repeats itself with a whole new slew of verbs and adjectives.

I envy my husband, how he falls into slumber the exact second his handsome head hits the feather pillow without a worry to be found there. I long to join my little ones in the land of nod...blissfully unaware of my battlefield-- nighttime ritual.

There is no drama needed to bring about my unrest...it just is what it is. My list of to-do's (have to's...want-to's...even don't want-to's).

My evening's examination of what the day brought...or what I brought to the day. Knowing that there is no promise of tomorrow. Hoping that I lived the present one to the fullest. Reminding myself there is still so much more I want to do.

And so I keep on....waiting to exhale.

xoxo
Dejah